Rejected Pitches from the Substandard Sitcom Writer’s Room

It’s Always Sonny in Philadelphia

Sonny leaves the podcast (and his job at the Free Beacon) to fulfill his dream of opening a bar.  But the bar he buys is in south Philly.  He quickly chases away the previously loyal customers by only selling pumpkin beers and Bud Light, which he insists is the best beer because it is the best selling beer in the United States.  He also loses a number of customers because of the way he leers at anyone who walks in with an Eagles jersey and mutters “Fourth and 26” under his breath.

The Uncanny Valley-Girl

Vic buys a doll for his daughter that talks when you squeeze it, but grows uncomfortable with the feelings it conjures in him when it reminds him of a young Alicia Silverstone.

Sonny loses his confidence

Sonny shares with Vic and JVL that he was getting frisky with his wife last night, and she called him “Captain” a few times.  He got into it until she also called him Bill, and he realized that she was fantasizing about Vic’s brother in law, Captain Bill Dwyer.  He says, “I mean, I get it, but it put a lot of pressure on me to perform like Bill would!”

The Return of Mike Warren

Mike lures JVL to Costa Rica with an elaborate hoax just so he can get back on the podcast.  He creates a website for a surfing competition and through a series of fraudulent emails convinces JVL that he has been hand-selected to enter the North American Surfing Competition.  JVL is so excited he doesn’t bother to check the internet for other mentions of this competition.  But if he had, Mike Warren prepared a Wikipedia page as well as other articles placed around the Web with detailed discussions of each year’s competition.  JVL arrives at the airport expecting a limo ride to a resort but is sorely disappointed to be stuck there with a maxed out credit card.  He has a little cash along, but “like any reasonable person” finds the need to pose as a restaurant inspector before he deigns to eat there. Unsurprisingly he is unable to find a restaurant that meets his demands for hygiene.  Adding to his unease, he is shocked at how quickly the restaurants attempt to bribe him to look the other way on multiple violations.  He earns his airfare back by taking the bribes, but between surviving on crackers and bottled water and the crushing guilt of subjecting unknowing Costa Ricans to tainted food he is a husk of the man he once was when he arrives home.

JVL Meets Shannon

Shannon falls for JVL when she sees him “making love to her with his eyes” from across the dance floor.  It turns out JVL just lost his glasses and was trying to discern whether she was a human or a plant.  But his squinting proved irresistible to her, and she soon became irresistible to him when she recognized the brand of his watch.

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