We’re back with more rejected pitches from the Substandard Sitcom. It’s really hard to get good help these days, and that goes for my writing staff too. They often come up with good ideas but can’t follow through on anything. It’s like they have no attention span. It’s almost like…hey…what’s that thing over there? What was I talking about? It doesn’t matter. Read this, and if you’re impatient for part two of the Halloween episode, then tweet at @chuck_late. I’ve finally learned how much easier it is to have other people do your work. Chuck is writing part two of the Halloween episode. This will be the first episode written by someone else, so if you don’t like it don’t blame me.
Okay, enjoy these rejected pitches. Or don’t. It doesn’t matter. I’m sure it’s fine.
JVL almost meets Brooklyn Decker
JVL runs into Andy Roddick at the food court of a local mall. He’s thrilled to meet a personal hero of his until Andy’s baby starts fussing. Andy asks JVL to hold his ice cream cone while he comforts his baby who is crying in the stroller. JVL notices that the ice cream is getting dangerously melty. He suddenly tenses up and replies, “Oh, this is awkward. No,” and walks away. Just as he turns his back Brooklyn Decker rounds the corner, returning from some boutique store that JVL also probably shops at. Brooklyn asks Andy, “Who was that?” Andy replies, “Oh, just some star-(bleeper) who couldn’t even handle holding an ice cream cone for a second.
Sonny Bunches of Oats
Sonny continues to build his reputation as a brand ambassador and is approached by the Post breakfast cereal company about being featured on the box of their popular cereal, Honey Bunches of Oats. Sonny is happy to hear that they even want to change the cereal’s name to Sonny Bunches of Oats even though that makes no sense. The relationship turns sour when Post decides to run a cross-promotional campaign with the next Transformers movie. Sonny insists, “I’m not going to have my face on a box of cereal next to Mark Wahlberg’s ugly mug!” “That’s your objection? ” asks his wife who at that moment realizes just how completely he has sold out. She justified his endorsement of Ghirardelli dark chocolate as a necessary evil since “we had wanted to re-do the guest bathroom for a while.”
The Christmas Episode
The gang is invited to a Christmas party on a yacht in…Wilmington, Delaware? Yes, a credit card magnate – and a charter member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy – has an annual Christmas party on his ridiculous, 150 foot yacht. JVL convinces Sonny and Vic to sneak away to a creaky old row boat so they can re-enact Washington’s famous crossing of the Delaware. Sonny claims he is the captain because he brought his captain’s hat. JVL is fine with this because he wants to show off his rowing skills. As you may know, he “almost rowed at Georgetown.” But this comity starts to disintegrate when JVL insists he’s General Washington, and in this mission a general ranks above a mere captain. Just as Vic is asked to litigate this a gust of wind rips the oars out of the oarlocks, and they float away. The boat now helplessly floats downstream until it runs aground on an island. The gang is disappointed to find out that the only booze JVL brought along was peppermint and gingerbread beer. After they ridicule him for his taste in beer, JVL and Vic argue about which Gilligan’s Island characters they are. Sonny doesn’t know what Gilligan’s Island is because he is a garbage Millennial who thinks that pop culture prior to 1990 is irrelevant. They are rescued in the wee hours of the morning. They had directed their pleas for help to Bill Kristol who ignored them, hoping he had been rid of them once and for all. It wasn’t until Kristol’s wife saw the 84 missed calls on his phone that she intervened on their behalf.
The Birthday Party
Vic and JVL are invited to Sonny’s daughter’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s at 4:00 PM on a Saturday. As they walk into the obnoxiously loud place where a parent’s sanity goes do die they are greeted by not one, not two, but three puking kids. After fighting their own dry heaves the gang runs the gauntlet and is inside. JVL gets some vomit on his $375 shoes and immediately returns to his car for his backup pair. He takes his sweet time returning to the hell on earth that is Chuck E. Cheese’s. Shannon turns white because as soon as JVL walks out her four children bolt four different directions into the melee. Sonny goes to the bathroom, unbuckles his belt a little wobbly at the urinal, and his buckle hits the side. He drops it in the trash and says, “That’s it.” He doesn’t have a back-up in the car because who would? “I would,” says JVL. “I would.” When JVL finally returns he surveys the disgusting Petri dish that is Chuck E. Cheese and ponders whether inviting him was Sonny’s greatest triumph as a professional troll. JVL eventually stops sanitizing the hands of his children as they move from game to game when he remembers that he has a portable chemical shower in his trunk. Sonny’s daughter is scared poopless, literally. The whole experience set her back in her potty training because she is haunted by the terrifying animatronic animals on the stage and the creepy mouse character who dances at the drop of a hat.
Vic’s son asks JVL’s son if he wants to play with him in the ball pit and JVL’s son replies, “In that urine-soaked cesspool?” This is JVL’s proudest moment as a parent.
Vic ranks the pizza as the 47th best pizza in Alexandria. 110th best in the DC Metro area. All is not lost. Sonny wins 56,000 tickets which he is able to redeem for a Chuck E. Cheese pint glass. The party ends when JVL pulls the fire alarm, mercifully ending the party and releasing everyone from the filthy sewage treatment plant that is Chuck E. Cheese.
Vic attends a gymnastics meet
(This idea belongs entirely to @chuck_late)
To make it legal (but still creepy) JVL’s daughter is suddenly a college gymnast. Vic comes along to one her gymnastics meets (vainly) hoping his dedication to the family will improve from 37th in the line of parental succession. Comfortably Smug remains at 9,742,213.
Vic: grabs binoculars
Vic: hey, is that – didn’t Emma Watson go to Georgetown?
Shannon: I think she graduated already.
Vic: Maybe she’s getting her Master’s.
Shannon: In gymnastics?
Vic: That’s not a thing?
Shannon and JVL look at each other.
The Gang attends a Ta-Nehisi Coates book signing
Sorry, this one was rejected before even the basic rudiments of a plot could be constructed.