A Substandard New Year

Well, the Sitcom has a new episode, so let’s make sure Vic reciprocates and signs on for at least another five years of the podcast.  That’s a reasonable exchange, right?  Think of the fans, Vic.  Think of all the people you’ll be disappointing if you quit the show!

Everyone knows that tens of thousands of people cram into Times Square and hold in their pee for seven hours to witness the ball drop at midnight to ring in the new year.  What this episode presupposes is that our distinguished hosts would rather celebrate the new year in Old Town Alexandria, VA.

This episode opens with Sonny, Vic, and JVL meeting at the Rosslyn Metro station.  Why?  Because it’s a station that connects to multiple lines (including the Blue Line which will take them to the King St station in Alexandria, and I don’t know where our hosts are coming from because I don’t know where they live.  Except Sonny.  If I tried hard enough I could guess where he lives.  He gives way too many details about it on the show.  But I won’t publish those details here because it feels wrong.  Any Sonny stalker is going to have to do the legwork and listen to the podcast.  And then he’ll find out that it’s a really good podcast, and he should spare Sonny.  Why’s the stalker a he?  Am I sexist?  No.  It’s a he because it always is.  Wait, why am I talking about a stalker on a fan fiction comedy about a podcast?  Wait, why am I writing a fan fiction comedy about a podcast anyway?  And why am I including this interior monologue?  I need an editor.  I need Vic.  Actually, I need Vic to stick with the podcast more than I need him to edit my scripts.  But these scripts could also use some serious editing.  Sorry, no more of this.  Let’s get to the episode.  The boys have just gathered at the platform.

Vic: Gentlemen, how are we?

Sonny: (Looks around) Vic, you know we’re not on the show, right?  Do you smell oranges?

Vic: What? What do you mean?

Sonny: That’s how you open the show.  “Gentlemen, how are we?”  I want to be clear right now.  Are you okay?  Are you aware you’re not on the show right now?  Repeat after me. Coby Smulders.

Vic: Corby Cummers

Sonny: (cupping his hands around his mouth and turning to the people gathered on the platform) Is there a doctor here?

JVL: (raises his hand) Sonny, I’m right here.

Sonny looks at him, confused at first but then there is a flicker of recognition

Sonny: No, I mean a real doctor.

JVL shoots him a look of disappointment which turns to anger

JVL: Sonny, you know as well as I do that I am basically a doctor.

Sonny: I do?

JVL: Yes, you do.

Sonny: Where did you go to medical school?  How about your residency?  Remind me where you did your residency.

JVL: Sonny, I don’t need to go to medical school to be a highly effective diagnostician.  

Sonny: I’m pretty sure you do.

JVL: This is not something I’m comfortable agreeing to disagree about.  You know I’m a well-regarded diagnostician.  Who diagnosed Mark Hemingway with a C5-C6 herniated disc?

Sonny: Um, probably an actual medical practitioner.  

JVL: Sonny, I know for a fact that you heard me say that before he even went in.  He went in because I told him to.

Sonny: And because of the screaming pain in his neck.

Vic: Guys, guys.  I’m kidding.  Coby Smulders.  Coby Smulders.

Sonny: What?  What are you talking about Vic?  JVL, we need to get Vic some help.  Why’s he saying Coby Smulders?  I think he needs to see a doctor.

Vic: No, you asked me to say Coby Smulders and I made a joke by saying Corby Cummers like I did that day on the podcast.  

Sonny: What?  Whatever.  Hey look.  The train will be pulling up in a minute.  Let’s get going.

Vic: So gentlemen, how excited are you to be ringing in the new year together in Alexandria?

Sonny: About as excited as I’d be to have a C5-C6 herniated disc.  

JVL: Then why’d you come?

Sonny: Vic said he’d fire me if I didn’t come.

JVL: Is that true?

Vic: Um, it’s not entirely untrue.  But despite his protests, Sonny loves hanging out with us.

Sonny: Sure.

JVL: Well, I’m just glad to be out of the house.  Christmas break has been nuts at our house.  How can kids get sick of so many new toys so quickly?  And why do the boys turn every peaceful toy into a gun or a projectile?  And the girls?  If I have to watch the My Little Pony movie one more time…That place is crazy.  I needed some time away.

Vic: How’s Shannon doing? I bet she’s taken on the brunt of the craziness.

JVL: I’m sure she’s fine.

Sonny: (sarcastically) Yeah.  I’m sure she’s great.

The train comes to a stop, the doors open, and the gang boards the train.  Sonny sits down, Vic remains standing and uses his sleeve to grab the bar, and JVL adopts a strange stance.  His legs are roughly shoulder width apart, his arms are out to his side, and his knees are bent.

Sonny: JVL, what are you doing?  

JVL (clearly concentrating) Me? Oh, nothing.

Sonny: No, you’re clearly doing something.  

JVL: What do you mean?

Sonny: With your body.  What are you doing?  You look like an insane person.

JVL (realizes what he’s doing): Oh, this.  This is a surfing posture.

Sonny: (skeptical) How would you know?

JVL: Sonny, don’t troll me.  You already tried trolling me with the doctor thing.  It didn’t work.  I know what you’re doing.  You know I’m a surfer.  You know this.  We’ve talked about this many times. (Sonny can’t conceal his Cheshire cat grin)  See!  Look! You’re trolling.  I’m a surfer.

Sonny: Fine, fine.  But why are you surfing now?

JVL: (matter of factly, as if adopting a surfing posture on a train were the most normal thing in the world) Because I’m on a train.

Sonny: (actually getting irritated now) Yes, I know we’re on a train.  That doesn’t explain your behavior.

Vic: I think I can explain.  

Sonny: Well then please do, because I’m this close to jumping out of a moving train because I think that would be more sane than the scene I’m witnessing at this moment.

Vic: He’s on a train which is undoubtedly filled with various strains of highly infectious bacteria and viruses.  

Sonny rolls his eyes and sighs loudly

Vic: So he doesn’t want to touch anything.

Sonny: What about your shoes?  Your shoes are touching the ground.

JVL: (calmly holding his pose) Yes, but I have a three step cleaning process I use to remove all pathogens from my shoes.

Sonny: Fine, so you clean your shoes in the garage before you go inside the house.  But what about your car?  Think of the filth you get in your car when you get in it with those shoes?

JVL: Vic, what time is it? Sonny, do you think I actually get in my (bleeping) car after riding the Metro?

Sonny: Why do I keep thinking you would do what a normal person would do?  Fine, of course you don’t get in your car.  You take off your shoes before you do.

JVL: (scornfully) You think I take off my shoes, walk on the filthy ground, and then put those same feet on the carpet of my high performance multiperson vehicle?

Sonny: Wait.  I’m going to have to stop you there.  Do you have a car that I don’t know about?

JVL: No.  

Sonny: What did you just call your car?

JVL: A high performance multiperson vehicle.  

Sonny: What?

JVL: (takes a deep breath and gathers himself knowing Sonny is preparing a rejoinder) A high performance multiperson vehicle.

Sonny: You mean a minivan.  You drive a minivan.

JVL glares at Sonny with the ferocity of a Kardashian who has been told by a boutique employee that she might want to try a larger size.

Sonny: It’s a minivan.  It’s fine.  I mean, it’s really not.  It’s actually the least cool car you can drive, but you can’t deny the fact that you drive a minivan.  I mean, it is a minivan.  People do drive minivans.  And you’re one of them.  

JVL continues his glare but clenches his jaw and narrows his eyes until they are slits that can’t possibly allow much of a field of vision.

Sonny: What? No response?

JVL: You think your Nissan Sentra is so cool?

Sonny: Cooler than your soccer mom wagon.

Vic: (trying to move the conversation along) Sonny, he keeps his shoe cleaning kit in his car.  

Sonny: Minivan.

Vic: Whatever.  He keeps it next to some coveralls he wears to protect his seats in case he sits on a park bench.  Or a chair in a public area.

Sonny: That’s (bleeping) ridiculous

To be continued…

Will Sonny and JVL ever finish their argument?  What other hijinks will they get in once they get off the train?  What are their New Year’s resolutions?  Tune in soon for the conclusion of this episode.


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