Sonny Bunch: Up in Smoke

While Sonny was never a pothead in college he certainly hung out with his fair share of potheads.  But these men are professionals now.  Well, most of them.  Not all of his friends grew out of this phase.  “Papa Roach” was known as Peter Thompson when he arrived at UVA.  He was the son of an up-an-coming CFO of a tech startup.  His father had high hopes for Peter, but at his first college party Peter tried Mary Jane for the first time.  He failed out of school, but successfully hid this fact from his father for two whole years – an accomplishment in and of itself.  He moved to Colorado the day it was announced that marijuana was going to be legalized in the state.  Rumor has it he’s living his best life as a fry cook at a Long John Silver’s in the southeast suburbs of Denver. 

But most of Sonny’s friends have matured and only toke up here and there, often when attending crazy parties like AEI’s annual gala – although with the looming departure of Arthur Brooks it’s not clear whether the open embrace of The Good Stuff will continue.  So when Sonny got the invitation to the critics screening of Super Troopers 2, he immediately wondered where he could pick up some grass.  He didn’t want to watch it without being high, like a sucker.  If there is one way to enjoy this movie it is to watch it after sampling some choice herb.

But it had been years for Sonny.  He never knew who procured the bud for the AEI events, and he had no idea how to buy himself some reefer.  So Sonny went to the toughest, most streetwise person he knew: Liz Harrington

Sonny knocks on the door of Liz’s office.  Liz looks up from her computer.

Liz: Sonny!  What the (bleep) is up?

Liz has tried hard to fit in at the boys club that is the Washington Free Beacon.  Unfortunately, this has wreaked havoc on her language.  Liz jumps up from her chair, saunters over to Sonny and punches him in the shoulder.

Sonny: Ow!  Why did you do that?

Liz breaks for just a second.

Liz: I’m so sorry!

Sonny: (rubbing his shoulder) It’s fine.

Liz gets back into character, which at this point means adopting a wide stance, loudly chewing gum, and swaying back and forth with her hands in her pockets.  It’s painfully awkward to watch

Liz: What up, LB4?

Sonny: I was hoping you could help me with something.

Liz: I was wondering when you’d ask.  Of course I’ll help you edit your movie reviews.  I just didn’t want to come out and say that they need extensive editing.

Sonny: (suddenly irritated) No.  What?  No.  Why would I?  Wait.  You think? Nevermind.  No, that’s not it.

Liz: Okay, what do you need?

Sonny: I was hoping you’d hook me up with some (furtively looks at his phone) broccoli.

Liz: Broccoli?

Sonny: (Nods knowingly) Yes.  Broccoli.

Liz: You need help buying broccoli?

Sonny: Yes, I’m looking to buy some (looks back at his phone) Butter Flower.

Liz: What?  I thought you said broccoli.

Sonny: Yes.  I would like some (looks at his phone again) Cheeba.

Liz: What the (bleep) is happening right now?  Are you messing with me?

Liz stops swaying and clenches her fingers into a fist again.  Sonny winces and blurts

Sonny: I want some marijuana!

Liz: What?  Shhhh.  Why are you saying that so loud?  Couldn’t you be a little more subtle?

Sonny: I was trying to be.  Broccoli? Hello!

Liz: Who calls it broccoli?

Sonny: I don’t know.  I don’t know stoner culture.  I got it off a website.

Liz: Well, no one calls it that.  What do you want with pot anyway?

Sonny: I was going to smoke the marijuana like a cigarette.

Liz: Why?

Sonny: Does it matter?

Liz: No, I’m just surprised is all.

Sonny: So, can you help me?

Liz: You think I’m a dealer?  Are you kidding bro?

Sonny winces a little at her calling him bro.  It just felt a little…wrong.

Sonny: I just figured you’d know how I could hook myself up.

Liz: Why me?

Sonny: Uh…

Liz: Doesn’t matter.  (She smiles deviously) No, I can’t hook you up, but you definitely know someone who can.

Sonny: Who?

Liz: Continetti.

Sonny: You serious?

Liz: You didn’t know?  That guy smokes like a chimney.  He’ll hook you up.

Sonny: Matthew Continetti?  Our buttoned-up editor-in-chief?

Liz: Yeah. What?

Sonny: I just have a hard time believing it.  I mean, I’ve never seen him without a suit coat on.  I think he wears a tie to bed.  He’s just not what I picture when I think of a pothead.

Liz: Well, he’s your guy.

Sonny: (seeming a little unsure) Okay.

Liz: Do me a favor.  Keep me out of the conversation, would you?  He likes to think no one knows.

Sonny: Got it.

Cut to Sonny sitting in front of Continetti’s desk.

Sonny: Matt, I was wondering if you could hook me up with some pot.

Matt: What?

Sonny: Weed.  Marijuana.

Matt: (irritated and a little offended) Are you high right now?  (leans forward and looks Sonny up and down) Are you trying to get fired?

Sonny: What? No!  Someone told me you were all into the wacky weed.

Matt: What?  Who told you that?

Fade to black

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